Ever wonder how we get the magazine covers we do? Read on!

An overheard conversation between a graphic designer and the art director.

ad: Hey Geoff, here's the shoot from Bermuda. (hands him a cd) I need you to make up the cover by Thursday.

gd: The girls from Venezuela? This should be a good one.

ad: We want to use some close-ups this month.

gd: Okay. Want to go over these with me?

ad: Sure.

(they look at the pictures)

gd: How about this one?

ad: No, we don't want smiling.

gd: Why not? They look nice.

ad: We want sultry. Like here.

gd: She looks like she's sucking on a cough drop.

ad: That's perfect. They all need to look like that.

gd: I don't think there's a shot like that.

ad: Of course not, you have to take the best faces and combine them into one shot.

gd: Um...okay, I'll see what I can do.

(the next day)

gd: Hey Mick, you want to check this out?

ad: Sure whatcha got? Oh.... ha-ha that's funny.

gd: Um, what's funny?

ad: I forgot you said you never worked a fashion job before.

gd: So?

ad: You didn't do any touch-ups!

gd: What touch-ups? These girls are gorgeous!

ad: Geoffrey, Geoffrey, Geoffrey....look at the noses here. What do you see?

gd: Nostrils?

ad: Pores! Gaping, scrape-me-out-with-a-putty-knife PORES! Get rid of 'em.

gd: But everybody has pores!

ad: Nobody buys our magazine for reality. Do the rest of the faces too...see here? And here?

gd: Um...yeah. I guess.

ad: And get RID of those moustaches for Pete's sake! Sheesh!

gd: I don't see any moustaches...

ad: That shadow there... that looks like a moustache. Take it out.

gd: Alright. (sighs) These girls are from Venezuela you know.

(later that day)

gd: Hey how's this looking?

ad: Better. Now you need to do the enhancements.

gd: Haven't I already done them?

ad: Well you did the basics but this cover still isn't going to sell magazines.

gd: So what now?

ad: Add some life to the hair there...like there was a breeze. Have it fling out here....and here....

gd: Which way was the breeze coming from?

ad: It doesn't matter. Just make them look wilder. You'll need to make their eyes bigger too, and bump up the colouration there.

gd: So you want them to look like mannequins?

ad: Not mannequins...just "perfect".

gd: (Under his breath) Only a perfect idiot is going to believe this picture.

ad: Did you say something?

gd: Just marvelling at the wonders of modern technology, Mick.

ad: Yeah it sure makes life better. Hey, I like the colour of that clown nose you added. Put that colour on their lips.

gd: (sigh) Should we mention something about sex on the cover too?

ad: Naw, people might mistake us for Cosmo.

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